Well, it's almost time. Tomorrow (Friday, March 31, 2017) is surgery day. I've known this day was coming for about 12 years now, but still, I don't know that it has really quite fully hit me that it's actually here.
If you have no idea what I'm talking about, let me give you a quick(ish) recap. After a long history of breast and ovarian cancer in my family, I was tested for and found to have a genetic mutation called BRCA1, which makes me very prone to breast and ovarian cancer. My mom (a breast cancer survivor) and sister are also carriers of the gene, and we have known about it since 2004. I was 20 at the time. (You can read our full story in this post.)
Two years ago, shortly after I turned 30, I had a preventative double mastectomy to reduce my risk of breast cancer. The plan was then to have another preventative surgery to reduce my risk of ovarian cancer when I turned 35. However, as I wrote in this post, I am monitored pretty carefully since I am high risk, and some of my numbers that my doctors were testing were headed in the wrong direction, so we decided to do surgery now rather than wait another 2 1/2 years.
In all likelihood, I probably do not have ovarian cancer and would probably be fine to wait another few years to have the surgery, but being told that 1) you're extremely high risk for ovarian cancer and 2) your numbers are going in the wrong direction is pretty stressful. So rather than stress out over bad test results for another few years, I made the decision to "nip it in the bud," so to speak.
This week, Donnie has told me that I've gone into nesting mode. It's seriously worse than pregnancy, y'all! I've been trying to get a head start on some projects because I know I won't be able to work on anything for a while. I've been organizing anything I can get my hands on (because that is like therapy for me)!
The current state of our pantry-- fully stocked and organized!
Yesterday I went out and bought just about all of Target because I have this irrational fear that Donnie and the boys will need something and not have it and won't be able to get it for some reason. 🙂
If I could have pushed two carts, I would have!
I've scheduled out blog posts and social media posts and emails so that I can still be a little bit "here" while I'm not actually "here."
I'm ready. Well at least I think I am. 🙂
Emotionally, this week has been an interesting one. I haven't had a nervous pit in my stomach or felt overtly anxious really, but (and this is kind of hard to explain) I do feel like I've been kind of subconsciously anxious. I've been waking up really early in the morning before my alarm (which never happens!), I find myself worrying about things that wouldn't normally bother me, and as you can see from my examples above, I've been trying to exert control over everything I possibly can. Oops. 😉
At the same time though, I keep reminding myself that God has me in the palm of his hand. "All the days ordained for me [including tomorrow!!!] were written in your book before one of them came to be." -Psalm 139:16
So whatever comes in the next few days or weeks or months, I know He's got this, and that I can be confident that He wants His very best for me. I trust in God's promises. I know that He has been faithful in every single circumstance in my past, and He will continue to be faithful in every single circumstance in my future, whatever it may bring. I am confident in that.
As for the blog, things are going to be a little slower around here. I have one post per week scheduled out for the month of April rather than my normal two. I may miss emails and get behind on some comments-- I apologize in advance for that! (Donnie and Brittany will be fielding emails as much as they can. And I will try to post an update on Instagram and/or Facebook about how things go tomorrow or have them do it if I can't!) But I'm hoping that when I'm able to return, I'll be able to come back even stronger than before. Sometimes a break can do so much good!
Thank YOU for all of your incredible support the whole way through this process. I have been moved to tears more than once by your sweet words, your willingness to share your own lives and stories with me, and by all of the encouragement you've shown me over and over and over again. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for that-- it truly means more than you know! "See" you on the other side!
If you've missed the other parts of my BRCA story, you can catch up in these posts:
Signing Off for Now (2nd Surgery) (You're here!)